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The 5 Most Shameless Money Grabs By The Fitness Industry

By now, most of us have given up on our annual January attempts to shed some of the excess weight our rampant vacation feasting slapped on us. We’ve given dieting a shot. We’ve made the gym. The most desperate of us may have even dabbled with fucking CrossFit. Yet as the weeks go by, we’re slowly adapting to our new, somewhat portlier figures and learning to espouse the additional padding.

At least, that’s how most of us function. A select few will take one last, sad step and decide to give working out at home a try. You know, because the driving to and from the gym is what actually sucks about working out. Not everyone can afford to shell out for their own cardio machine and an array of weights, though, and opt instead to pay still-obscene dollar quantities for useless machines that promise a shortcut to health and fitness. For example …

# 5. Osim iGallop

Do you like horseback riding, but dislike the idea of owning and caring for a giant animal? That … actually induces sense. Riding’s pretty good exercise, but horses are a fus unless you happen to have a handy stable nearby, which you don’t. Also, a pony eats and turds, and keeping up with both costs about as much as a auto pay each month.

Way less sad to put a bullet in your vehicle when it breaks down, though . It’s not the ideal setup for the occasional 20 -minute workout, is what I’m saying. So why not get a fake pony? I’m not talking about kids’ rocking horses, or one of those mechanical policemen western-themed bars are so fond of( although if you have the room and money, holy shit, absolutely buy a mechanical bull ). There are devices out there that simulate your body’s movement during riding, minus the “hanging on for dear life” component — which, come to think of it, is approximately 99 percentage of the workout you get from pony riding. Oh well. Still, perhaps products such as the iGallop aren’t a complete waste of time. Let’s consider what the ads say it can do 😛 TAGEND

… um. Ma’m? I’m not sure if you’re aware of it, but there’s no way you’re performing in an advertisement for a fitness product. Maybe that’s what you were hired for, but that’s either a Jessica Simpson video or the first minutes of a softcore porn flick. There’s no way whatever the hell you’re sitting on is a machine for “exercise, ” and even less of a chance said machine doesn’t vibrate.

OK, perhaps I’m being a little unfair. Maybe that tacky GIF is just an anomaly, and the product’s official promo pictures don’t make it looks just like a orgasmatron.

Wrong !

I’m not saying this is necessarily a bad product. Few things that are designed to attain your ass slimmer are without at least a little inherent value. Still, I don’t care how great a core trainer this thing is — if you’re willing to hurl $400 at it, you might as well stick it in a place of honor in your living room and perhaps glue a few dildos on it. Because there’s no way in hell anyone who find it is going to believe it’s anything but a fancy Sybian.

# 4. The Face Trainer

SkyMall is a gift that maintains on giving for enterprising slapstick websites. Their marketings are comprised of 70 percent panicked gift orders, 30 percentage irony, and 100 percent being so bored and/ or drunk that ordering wine glass holder necklaces for your entire extended family seems like a hilarious idea. Still, at least the company generally restriction its antics to the sort of clever-but-not-quite-useful stuff Billy Mays had an opportunity to peddled back in the day. It’s not like their target audience is too into the fitness marke–

Oh, god dammit .

Yes, that is a workout mask for your face muscles. And yes , it runs by applying “proven principals of resistance training to facial muscles” — which, let’s face it, is just a fancy wording for “It’s a really fucking tight mask, and now you have to make faces. Dedicate us money.” The Face Trainer have committed themselves to take years off you, which is a claim I actually fully believe, because there’s no way you won’t get chased off a cliff by a torch-wielding mob if you go out in public wearing this thing, doing frantic Frankenstein faces to keep it from suffocating you.

Unfortunately, it looks like the product was too stupid for even SkyMall, since it’s nowhere to be found on their site today. Or is it ? A search with the keyword “trainer” gives me a bunch of Mad Max -themed neon trikes, scaring elliptical trainers with random cords, a Star Wars “Force trainer” because of fucking course, and … the “Tribal Style Giraffe Mask.”

Look at the Tribal Style Giraffe Mask. Look at it 😛 TAGEND Somewhere, the Jigsaw Killer is furiously masturbating .

There’s no way that thing won’t slimed the shit out of your responding to the second you try it on, likely bear-trap-style. And you will try it on, if only to stillness its constant whispering in eldritch tongues.

# 3. ViPR

So you’re walking down the park early in the morning, doing something I liberally assume is not crime-related, when you suddenly come across a group of creepy fitness types waving huge logs around.( Oh, get your intellect out of the trough .) Like so 😛 TAGEND

“You won’t get away this time, Cobra Commander! ”

Hahahahahaha! What the actual fuck is going on? Did you stumble upon a Warriors -style territorial combat between two 1980 s-themed CrossFit factions? A no-budget Masters Of The Universe LARP?

Nothing that sane, I’m afraid. You’ve merely witnessed the ViPR in action, and things aren’t going to get any better once those people actually start moving.

If you didn’t watch that video, two things. One: Please do; you owe it to yourself. Two: That exact same sentence, merely much louder.

The ViPR infomercial is a simple piece of work at heart.

Indeed .

Basically, it’s several spandex-clad fitness enthusiasts doing the Stormtrooper stun baton spin

No need to click that link. It seemed exactly like this in the movie .

… mimicking everyday activities such as shoveling …

I guess ?

… and even clumsily engaging in some of that bullshit Klingon pretend fighting in which they slap each others’ bat’leths and expect people to be impressed.

Nerds !

Only they don’t have stunned batons, or shovels, or unwieldable blade things. They’re doing it all with a fucking log. Called ViPR . I entail, I think the log is called ViPR, but perhaps I misread something and it’s actually the true name of the entity that possesses all these people and forces them to do stupid shit for our amusement.

Example .

Again, I’m not saying this stupidly-named fucking thing is inevitably a bad product at heart. It has a number of pits that it asserts stimulates it fully compatible with a number of other incomprehensibly-named gadgets the more impressionable gym might sport, so I guess you can at least join all those bullshit things into a giant Voltron of uselessness when you unavoidably get bored with it. It’s just that if you’re trying to get in shape, I’d wager there are better ways to go about it than an exercise tool that induces you look like the Star Wars Kid grew up and joined a fraternity.

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